The Power of "Have-Tos" and "Want-Tos"

Parenting younger children often feels like navigating a marathon—one where every pit stop involves convincing your little one to brush their teeth, put on their shoes, or take a bath. These essential tasks, or "have-tos," can sometimes become battlegrounds. But what if there was a way to make these moments smoother and even sprinkle in a bit of joy? Enter the "have-tos" and "want-tos" strategy.

This approach transforms daily routines by connecting the must-dos with meaningful rewards, like an extra story at bedtime or a few minutes of playtime. Let’s explore how this strategy works and why it’s a game-changer for young children and their parents.

What Are “Have-Tos” and “Want-Tos”?

Have-Tos: These are the non-negotiable tasks essential for your child’s health, safety, or schedule—brushing teeth, getting dressed, cleaning up toys, or taking a bath.

Want-Tos: These are the fun, self-chosen activities your child looks forward to, like an extra book at bedtime, drawing, building with blocks, or a quick game of hide-and-seek.

The key is to show your child that completing their “have-tos” creates time and space for their “want-tos.”

Father reading a bedtime story to his preschool son in Bethesda, MD, promoting cooperation and positive routines.
Mother helping her daughter brush teeth, establishing a positive daily routine.

Why This Strategy Works

Young children thrive on structure and predictability but also need motivation that feels relevant and exciting. The “have-tos” and “want-tos” framework creates a simple, concrete way to:

  1. Set Clear Expectations: It’s easier for kids to understand, “When we finish brushing our teeth, we have time for an extra book,” than to hear generic reminders or nagging.
  2. Foster Independence: This strategy shifts some responsibility to your child, helping them feel more in control of their day.
  3. Build Positive Associations: By linking necessary tasks with enjoyable outcomes, you reduce power struggles and encourage cooperation.
  4. Teach Time Management: It introduces the idea that efficient use of time on important tasks frees up time for fun.

How to Implement "Have-Tos" and "Want-Tos"

Define the Have-Tos Together: Sit down with your child and talk about what tasks are important to complete before moving on to playtime or relaxation. For example, you might say, “Before we read our bedtime stories, we need to brush our teeth and put on pajamas.”

Frame the Want-Tos: Explain that completing their “have-tos” will create time for the activities they love. For instance, “If we finish brushing teeth and getting dressed quickly, we’ll have five extra minutes to read a second book before lights out!”

Use Visual Reminders: Younger children often respond well to visuals. A simple chart or checklist with pictures of their “have-tos” can help them stay on track.

Keep It Positive: Avoid framing “have-tos” as punishments or chores. Instead, present them as steps toward something exciting. For example, “Once we put on our shoes, we can head to the park to play!”

Follow Through Consistently: Children learn best when expectations remain steady. Stick to the system and celebrate their success when they meet their goals.

What If It Doesn’t Go As Planned?

Sometimes, even the best strategies hit a snag. If your child resists or delays, stay calm and stick to the plan. If they don’t complete their “have-tos” in time, gently remind them of the connection: “We ran out of time for the second story tonight because it took longer to brush teeth. The good news? Tomorrow you can make a different choice!” 

This teaches natural consequences without resorting to frustration or power struggles.

Mother and son sharing a joyful moment, reinforcing positive connections and cooperation

A Win-Win for Everyone

The “have-tos” and “want-tos” strategy is about creating a rhythm to your day that benefits both you and your child. You get the satisfaction of seeing tasks completed with less resistance, and your child feels empowered by having a say in how their time is spent.

Looking for more ways to make everyday parenting easier? At Little Minds Therapy, we specialize in supporting children ages 4-12 and their parents! Our focus is on helping families navigate challenges with empathy and practicality. If you’re looking for strategies to support your child’s growth or manage daily routines, contact us today to learn how we can help. Our play-based therapy and expert guidance can make a big difference for your family.